Kuro Crack OH SNAP
by Copi
Summary: Ciel and Sebastian are just hanging out at Hogwarts when suddenly an odd chain of events occur! Co-Authored with CrazyNerd14. Read and be happy.


"Why doesn't this damn internet ever work?" Ciel shouted in anger.

"Well, young master, it's the 19th century…" Sebastian responded wearily.

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me young master? You're like my best friend, dude! And since when is this the 19th century?" Ciel paraded around the room with his magic wand waving.

"Oh, sorry…dude. I just got confused again…I had this crazy dream last night, where I was this demon butler, and…yeah…" Sebastian trailed off, realizing that Ciel wasn't really listening.

Ciel stomped up to Sebastian and slapped him. "You're one crazy bastard on drugs, aren't you?"

Sebastian blinked in confusion. _Whoa. Maybe I should lay off the crack…_

_And maybe the meth, too… _

"Er, maybe we should start doing the Charms homework…" he suggested, cowering slightly in fear that his short-tempered friend would slap him again.

"Charms, homework, that's all you ever think about. Except when you're high… But if you're high right now… Does that mean you're, like, constantly high or something?" Ciel pondered.

"It would seem that way, young—er, DUDE," Sebastian coughed nervously.

"Professor Snivellus wants a four-foot length of parchment on the properties of a nerve tonic tomorrow… But I really don't care… And why are we using parchment in the 21st century?" Ciel sighed to himself in anguish.

"Well, I don't really know…hm…Did you ever think that your toes are really quite useless? Like, what would happen if you didn't have your pinky toe? Nothing!" Sebastian rambled.

"Well, experts think that we have evolved to the point where we don't need our pinky toe. But we need our toes to balance! Seriously! I, like, read this in a magazine once or something!" Ciel grumbled.

Sebastian started giggling uncontrollably. "Dude! You're so smart, man. You just, like, read a LOT."

"Well, yes, that is true. I mean, of course I'm the smartest little warlock here. And once again, who was the idiot who came up with the word 'warlock' anyway?" Ciel boasted.

"They musta been high!" Sebastian interjected happily.

Ciel glared at him. "You thought of the term, didn't you?"

"That is something, my boy, that you will never know. I wrote history, you know. Long ago, with my great, immortal friend Mr Dure. We're from the 16th century," Sebastian mumbled with a glazed look in his eyes.

Suddenly, there was a loud banging on the front door (before it fell over). Standing in the doorway, surrounded by a cloud of dust, was FINNY MAN!

"Finny, what the hell are you doing here? Get out of here, you damn Gryffindor!" Sebastian shouted while pumping his fist.

"Hi guys!" Finny said cheerfully, ignoring Sebastian as usual. "Ciel, you left your book in my room!"

"Finny, keep the stupid book. I don't need to know about Napoleon. Instead, how about we use our wonderful, next-to-useless, magical powers of great power to fly down to the kitchen and steal some parfaits!" Ciel flopped on his bed in hunger.

"Hehehe, that's what she said," Sebastian snickered, obviously not listening at all.

"Shut up, homo."

"What's a homo?"

"…Finny. I hate you. A lot. You suck. A lot. And I hate you."

"That's great, Ciel! I love you, too!"

Before the conversation could continue its pointlessness, yet another person appeared in the broken doorway! Speaking of homos, it was GRELL!

"Jesus Christ, Grell! For the love of God, give a warning! My gaydar practically had a seizure!" Sebastian yelled from the beanbag chair he was laying across.

"Ooh, you have a gaydar?" the redhead said keenly, not bothering to announce her (I mean his) presence. "Me too!"

"Yes, we all know that, Grell. Just run along to the kitchen and fetch us some mustard, will you? I'm planning a rather painful death for Finny that involves smothering his naked body in mustard and a little honey, then driving to a desert and putting him on a red ant hill. For days. With maggots added for fun," Ciel smiled with a little glee.

"Oh. Okay!" Grell disappeared without question.

"Whoa. He just disappeared."

"No duh, Sebastian. He's getting me a fruit cocktail."

"Ooh, can I have one, too?"

"No Finny, bad! Dogs can't have food! At all! They starve and die! Just like you will!"

"Oh Finny, ignore little Ciel's temper tantrums. He's just mad that his parents died and all. But that happens to the best of us, I suppose. My parents died early in the 24th century."

"…"

"What?" Finny was concerned. "Sebastian, have you been doing drugs again? I thought you went cold turkey!"

"Turkey? Are my personal narrators here? I called them a little while ago, but nobody picked up. And I even had the audacity to look in the phonebook!"

No, Ciel. I quit.

Finny looked up in amazement. "God? Are you there?"

"No he's not!" Ciel barked. "Try again later!"

"But I definitely heard him!"

"You too, Finny? I never thought you'd start smoking…but now that we're birds of a feather, I must know; Do the voices ever tell you to eat massive amounts of mayonnaise?"

"Sebastian, you're the one who ate all my mayo? I was making BLTs with that!" Finny accused, outraged.

"STOP MENTIONING CONDIMENTS! You're making me really hungry for that mustard I was going to kill you with…where's Grell, anyway?"

"Right here, my loves! And I have brought a friend! Say hello to WWII Man from the chaos of kitchenness!" Grell flounced into the room flamboyantly.

"Oh my God! The enemy drugged me! This is all some crazy hallucination! DAMN YOU, GERMANY!" Bard flailed with a crazed look about him.

"Oh shit, it's that crazy cook and those meddling kids! Oh, wait, wrong show…" Sebastian fell onto the floor.

"This is just another TV show?" Finny cried fearfully.

"My whole life has been wasted! No wonder why the nights and days seem to fly by so fast! Almost like… like… like that song in Legend of Zelda! You know, the one where the night and day switch?" Ciel snapped in horror.

"Man, I haven't played that game in forever! We should totally play that sometime!"

Suddenly Bard pulled out his gun from behind his back and shot Grell. "Take that, you effing Nazi faggot!"

"Oh my God! He killed Grell!" Finny screamed.

"You bastard!" Lau added furiously as he stormed into the room. "You ruined my pimp time!"

"HOLY CRAP!" Bard exclaimed, putting the gun to Lau's head. "It's a Jap!"

"Now, now, don't do anything hasty. We can talk this out over some opium!" Lau said with his trademark rapist smile.

"Er, I would knock on the door, but it seems to be on the ground," the local pizza man said, scaring everyone.

"Undertaker! Since when are you a pizza man?" Ciel shouted.

"Since I decided that I could cause more people to visit my shop by feeding them fatty food!"

"Oh dear God," Finny gasped, falling to his knees. "I don't wanna die! Does vegetarian pizza count as fatty?"

"Finny, you aren't, never have been, and never will be fat. So shut the hell up!" Ciel iterated.

"My, my, aren't you a little testy about this. You aren't fat either, you know…" Sebastian pointed out.

"How would you know? Maybe when I was a little kid, I was miserably fat and chubby, and people made fun of me, and I cried myself to sleep each night…" Ciel started to sniffle, overcome with emotion.

"How horrible!" the Undertaker exclaimed, shoving a box of pizza in Ciel's face. "Just eat until the sadness disappears! That's what I do!"

"…Undertaker, you have a problem. I'll make it all better and eat the pizza with you so you won't get fat by yourself!" Finny grinned.

Sebastian suddenly looked terribly serious. "Dude, I'm so sorry! I had no idea!" Ciel yelped as his friend threw an arm around him, practically sobbing.

"Ah! I bet you had a worse childhood! I mean, I've never once been to your house or met your parents!" Ciel shoved Sebastian off and stomped on his head.

Bard watched the rather violent exchange of affection from where he stood over Grell's corpse. "Dammit! I'm surrounded by gays!" the chef gasped, stumbling backwards into Lau, who promptly hit him over the head with his pimp cane.

Lau sighed, then picked up Bard's body and threw him over his shoulder. "Another little pretty for my special little room…" He sang happily.

"Lau! You cheat!" the Undertaker yelled after him, looking rather scandalized. "What special little room?"

"Hmm… I suppose I shall allow you in if you promise not to tell anyone else!" Lau winked.

"Do you ever get the feeling we need some new friends…? Like, non-creepy ones?" Sebastian whispered to Ciel, ignoring the pain in his head.

"More than you'll ever know," Ciel whispered back, shuddering as Lau and the Undertaker disappeared into a small back door.

"…The door to their secret room is connected to your room?" Sebastian gasped. "Do they… do things to you? At night? Please, Ciel, answer me!"

"You pervert!" Ciel yelled, slapping Sebby's already sore head. "I…I'd rather not discuss it, anyway…" he went on, blushing and looking mildly horrified.

"Ciel, I'm so sorry! You may sleep in my room!" Sebastian hugged Ciel.

Ciel looked mildly horrified. "Sebastian, you've gone too far! Give me the drugs! Now! All of it!"

"Hush hush, little one," Sebastian cooed, cuddling a terrified-looking Ciel. "You don't know what you're talking about! Now now, let's go move your stuff…"

Finny's eye twitched. "I'm gonna leave…"

"NO! Finny, don't you dare leave me, you asshole!" Ciel screamed, struggling to get away from Sebastian.

"Ah, I finally have my lovely little Ciel all to myself… Of course, I wouldn't mind if Finny stayed…" Sebastian smirked with a glint in his eye.

(And needless to say, Draco Malfoy was extremely confused when he went to the dorms that night)

The next year they returned to Hogwarts, there was much rejoicing and happiness.

AUTHOR'S NOTE (CrazyNerd14): As much as I'd love to simply turn this into some marvelous Sebastian/Ciel smut…I have a feeling that the other author wouldn't allow it. :3 Besides, I'm in trouble for writing inappropriate things about fictional men….L-O-L

Copi: And so the fic abruptly ends… Ah, this was so much fun to write. Can't wait for the next obsession to come along…

Btw, the first three and a half pages were written at a corner bakery, and the last part was written a long time later (while watching Ouran High School Host Club). Also, this was written with CrazyNerd14 and I switching off typing lines, though we would sometimes type two lines, so you can't follow who's typing what very well.

CN14: Yes, not even we can tell…mwahahaha. I can't believe this is finished. AND THIS JUST IN! It's Hikaru and Kaoru's birthday today! -huggles twins- Yeah, we're completely insane…What? It's Itachi's birthday too? "Not that you know him very well…" Thanks, Copi. -grumbles-


End file.
